On cold nights like this during the holidays and with a nice cold drink in hand I not so fondly remember My first Christmas in the military.
I was in tech school, In Sheppard AFB in the middle of butt fucking nowhere Texas.
Most people were leaving for Xmas exodus, where they could use some leave to go home for the holidays and see their families. I was a cheap bastard and wanted to save my leave, since graduation was only 4 weeks away. How bad could it be?
Well they got all the other guys that were not leaving the base for xmas on the first floor. I got to keep my room on the third floor since I was an original resident of the building so room mates or nothing pretty sweet except I was the only guy on that floor. Shit was eerily quiet most of that day and I really boring days when we didn’t have chores I would pretend I was in a zombie apocalypse and barricade my room or certain sections of the hall with furniture.
We had some chires during the day but they were cake as fuck and we only had to sign in in once a day usually we could get them all done in the span of an hour or two and be free all day.
Except for the shitty chore of taking all the nasty linens and depositing in the store closet for the cleaning vans to come. I could only imagine how much bodily fluid were in those things. so many lonely airmen on so many lonely nights. so us and the guys got a bunch of shovels and proceeded to move mount jizz stain with as much as our dignity could stay intact.
All of us left behind celebrated Xmas together. by opening the gifts we bought ourselves and drank shitty cheap vodka and Gatorade together while watching old dvds and some anime? i dont really remember that night to well, but i do remember the hardcore hangover from that vodka the next day.
New years was the same we went out to a shitty local club, I wore some of the nice clothes i bought myself and had an alright time smoked some cheap cigars with some friends and drank some cheap booze. We had to later bribe a bouncer to let our drunk friend go and return his id so we could get back to base and sleep.
got some ribs from the back of a truck pretty good, I guess texas is the only place you can buy Decent BBQ from the back of a truck.
so yeah that was my first military Xmas mostly boredom and cheap gatorade and vodkas.
happy holidays Everyone, remember the secret is 1/3 vodka 2/3 blue or light blue gatorade
Well its been about Five years since I have last celebrated, Xmas in America or thanksgiving, or any other Holiday for that matter.
Its funny to see that black Friday is still a thing and its still a thing people trample,beat,or kill each other over in either case fuck going to any store on that day, 25% off a fucking jacket is not worth being stuck in the closest thing resembling a human cesspool of greed and misery at 5am to whatever time the human hyenas are done with the carcasses of retail employees.
Eating a big ass turkey and drinking myself stupid with old friends was fun. Until we had too much tequila and started puking out said turkey onto the side walk or bathroom floor.
Stuffing is still a thing and it always will be though, cant figure out why it is a thing and if any one truly enjoys it. seriously did some one just shove random shit into the cavity of a large fowl and them thought it was a good idea to eat said contents? I would like to imagine some guy or woman many years ago is in a kitchen. looks at the gaping fucking hole in the turkey’s back side and said ” you what this fucking needs!? It needs my mother fucking fist up this motherfucker and I need to cram this bitch full of bread and herbs! Then when I am done fist fucking the poultry we are going to consume the after math!”
Instead of calling the cops on said person or stopping them everyone though it was a good idea, and then became a tradition. At least that is how i think it happened, and i f i truly believe hard enough and repeat it enough times it might become true, or at least a flimsy urban legend that stupid people will believe on occasion.
Any way its almost Christmas time. Which means it is time to put on a Santa outfit and get wasted on egg nog. maybe blasting the Xmas classic of Christmas in Compton (voted best Christmas carol by the Times,New Yorker, Jet magazine, and the international association of gangsta ass Xmas music) and then yelling ho ho ho at all the skanky women, because isn’t that what Xmas is all about?
Any ladies and gentlemen I got a big ass turkey I have to fist fuck for Christmas and it is not going to fist fuck it’s self.
Happy Holidays
Just turned 21 years old, I would have been stoked , but i am not i mean when you turn 21 in a foreign country ,andi hae have legally been drinking in bars since you were 16 yrs old , the magic of turning 21 is kind of lost 😦 I mean back in the states anyone turns 21 the bar buys drinks and stuff for people, oh well such is life. any way important lessons I learned last night
– Beer plus tequila shots being dropped in them does not make it a bomb or something revolutionary it’s just a bad idea a really bad idea – moscow mules plus tequila shots poured in them for an extra kick another bad idea – free tequila in an open bar bad idea
– me and tequila another bad idea
woke up on the side of the road covered in cuts and bruises and some dried blood wondering what the hell happend. The problem is no one else at my party remembers every one was equally shit faced, but i was told my good friends stopped me from getting a tatto in the back alley of the bar (classy i know huh?) oh well i lived another year
so the score is
ME:21
Grim Reaper/ Mother nature (they hae to tag team me becuase they are to scared wimps): 3/4
So suck it mother nature you crazy bitch and suck on dat you crazy hood wearing farm carrying tool anorexic mother fucker
*ehem*
any way tha aaa aaats alll for now folks
Every one loves an underdog story,
Holly Wood is full of them. Even if it is about two dumb ass Mexican Teenagers trying to settle a pissing contest. You still root for the smaller (Handsomer?) one.
Now back to the story.
Round 3 was basically a draw, good punches were thrown by both sides, but neither one of was really standing.
It should have been time to call it quits, enough injuries and wasted time over a stupid spat. That should have been then end of it, but teenage boys are as dumb as fucking rocks. I decided that I had to beat him once, before I would stop this retarded rivalry.
I needed to pull out the stops from this one and not pull any punches and pull my self up by the boot straps and get things done, i had the wool pulled oer my eyes, and something something with pull in it.
Back to training some more
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CQvNu8LoTo0
Gave my self 2 more weeks to prepare. Then the day came…
We bumped into each other outside in a small alley way between the school buildings. Our eyes met (no homo), a slight pause and small breeze pushed random discarded plastic bags infront of us it was quiet for a moment.
The calm before the storm, the buffalo wings before the pizza, the shitty movie previews before the actual film.
A crow cawed it was time.
I sprinted forward, bad moe he punched me straight in the face, ouch! holy balls ouch! That stopped me for a brief second ith his fist still on my face, i picked up my rear leg and hit him square in the family jewels. I swore i heard the theme to the nut cracker for a moment.
He dropped to his knees (no homo) and i dropped an elbow to the back of his head, then falcon punced me in the gut pretty fucking hard. And then i receied another one to the dome. But luckily for me i grabbed his hair and started pounding his head on the wall of the alley way. We were both figthing dirty, all rules of a decent scuffle were thrown out the window. He clocked me again in the side of the head ( maybe all this brain trauma is what leads to all my bad descion making?), as i fell back i reared my leg and kicked him square in the face, he was no longer on his knees but he was down on the floor.
I mustered all the energy and coherency i had left to stand up i leaned on the wall MC was down. I did it I won, but as soon as the fight was over there really wasnt any prize or crowd of cheering people or prize just two retarded boys in an alley way one on the floor and one barely standing was all that was left. I had a small sense of acomplishment but all said and done it really was worth the trouble or injuries. The next day a battered and bruised MC comes up to me.
MC: you fight really good for a punk
GP: Thanks i guess
MC: We could use a guy like you in our clique
GP: eh fuck it why not it beats beating each other uhhh that sounded kind of gay so umm no homo
MC: that didnt sound gay until you said that
GP: welll ummm any way im in
MC: word
and that is how i became the best around and became friends with MC.
ＭＣ ａｎｄ ｉ ｗｏｕｌｄ ｌａｔｅｒ ｏｎ ｇｅｔ ｉｎ ｓｏｍｅ ｃｒａｚｙ ａｄｖｖｅｎｔｕｒｅｓ ｕｎｔｉｌ ｈｉｓ ｍｙｓｔｅｒｉｏｕｓ ｄｉｓａｐｐｅｒａｎｃｅ ｓｅｖｅｒａｌ ｙｅａｒｓ ｌａｔｅｒ ｂｕｔ ｔｈａｔｓ ａ ｎｏｔｈｅｒ ｓｔｏｒｙ ｆｏｒ ａｎｏｔｈｅｒ ｄａｙ， ｓａｍｅ ｂａｔ ｔｉｍｅ ｓａｍｅ ｂａｔ ｃｈａｎｎｅｌ
So Korea and Japan it is!
I had enough Cash but a little more never hurt any one ,besides I was not 18 yet so I had to wait any ways. So most of my days were spent working, working out, and learning languages. A pretty simple routine. I told my mom I was going to go Korea and Japan on my own very soon. She nodded it off, as if it was just one of my usual insane ramblings (who could blame her, My fathers side of the family is a bit eccentric including me and my father).
I also got to trying to make me some contacts for a bit or inter “cultural exchange” (booyah! high five any one? any one?… * cricket sounds*)
So I make a few contacts and do some research and a few months pass by when suddenly my plane tickets arrive in the mail.
Mom: “son why is there a envelope for you from an airline company?”
GP: ” Aw sweet my plane tickets have arrived!”
Mom: “WAIT WHAT!?”
GP: ” Yeah I am going to Japan and Korea for a while to go explore and stuff.”
Mom: “WHY THE HELL DIDN’T YOU TELL ME!!!?!?”
GP: ” I did but you wrote me off as acting insane and retarded”
Mom: “WELL WHO THE FUCK JUST CASUALLY MENTIONS WITH A SMIRK THAT THEY ARE GOING TO ASIA ON A WHIM!?”
GP:” you already know i am pretty impulsive little rascal”
MOM: FILI COME DOWN HER AND TALK SOME SENSE TO YOUR SON!”
DAD: ” so you are going to asia? huh well cool have fun and don’t die”
GP: “yup will do”
Mom: “HAVE BOTH YOU IDIOTS LOST YOUR FUCKING MINDS!?”
Dad: ” don’t worry honey Asia is a lot safer than Mexico, just make sure to stay away from china them chinese is fucking crazy! They will probably cut your hand off for pissing some one off”
GP: “uhh yeah I don’t think its really like that but, not really so sure since I have never been there. But i don’t think china has a hand cutting crisis on its hands or lack of hands or something”
Mom:” well he doesn’t speak the language”
Dad: “neither did we when we came to america shit i still can’t”
Mom: ” well… ok but you have to write home every day and not drink or cause trouble”
GP: “Of course I promise” ( when hell freezes over)
Well the day Finally Came and no shit 5 mins before I left a call comes to the house my uncle Gustavo was in a serious Car wreck in Mexico, he was in serious condition.
The last I saw of my mother before i left was seeing her Crying.
I wanted to stay, but my father told me to go ahead i worked for it and they said he would be alright.
So off I went to DIA to begin another Journey.
To be continued
“When you fall off a horse, sometimes you got to get back up on it”
Fall seven times, stand up eight.
– Japanese Proverb
*Warning the following posts has excessive links to awesome stuff if you are faint of heart please consult with your doctor before reading this post you have been warned. EWB does not take any legal or moral responsibility of injury or death upon continuing .
YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!
On one of the previous posts of EWB our cosmic crusader, our valiant hero, our pinnacle of hope, our lovable alcoholic the Grand Panchoz was attacked and defeated by the evil and Dastardly Mariquas.
With his pride broken along with maybe some of his ribs, he decided that he needed a rematch.
He needed to go into the esposito zone
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iBktYJsJq-E
He was going to need a montage
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CQvNu8LoTo0
any way i took two weeks to recover and kept working out and training, as well as watching all of Bruce Lees films and getting super pumped at kicking some ass.
Finally the time as come….
annnnnnnnndddddddd i get my ass kicked again, well I didn’t go out like a punk this time I landed a few good hits, but i still got pounded on. Now normal sane people would have given up at this point, I am not one of them.
Like I said i grew up watching all kinds of action flicks as a kid, and my dad being former Mexican Army Special forces i kind of had a pride thing mixed in with utter stupidity.
So I ask my self WWJCD?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZXh2XA-DZgQ
Of course Jean Claude would have punched him in the dick doing the splits, so thats what i set out to try to do again, minus the splits and groin part, but the punching part sounded sweet.
So of to training again, but this time I needed to kick it up a notch, this time I needed to go to the Danger Zone
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V8rZWw9HE7o
So i took Three weeks this time, Trained a bit harder punched some boards and sand bags to toughen and harden my fists. And i got even more super pissed off and super pumped by watching this clip like 50 million times
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yYLv-2RHJN4
I felt like I was ready so out I went for the PPV event of the day
The Malicious Mariquas Vs The Grand Panchoz III
Some people say the third time is the charm.
Then again some people need to shut the fuck up. I didn’t lose per say, was actually a draw. I threw some good punches as was doing quite well in the beginning. Was Countering most of what he threw at me got cocky ,and went for the photo finish knock out punch.
Bad Idea.
He saw it coming a mile away parried it, and countered it with a solid blow that broke my nose. And ever since then my nose has been crooked because i failed to set it back in properly.
Maybe I need to quit while I am still Ahead?
to be continued
*Well when I first started writing I figured i would write everything out in a Chronological order, but I am too unorganized so I will get back to Mexico In later posts, which will be called Lets get ready to Rumble.
coming soon to cheap blog near you.
I came back From Mexico slightly wiser and older, or so i thought.
I was 17 now and had no Idea what I wanted to do with my life. Really had no direction, One of my good friends Borrego was Leaving for the military, Specifically The Marine Corps. It was summer Time and my friend did not ship out until the End of it. He invited me out to go work out with him and train a bit before he left. I had nothing better to do and said screw it why not. Borrego and I would train almost everyday, and get Drunk and play xbox at his house. It went a little something like this
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h0qVUn4797g
When finally the conversation goes like this.
BO: ” Hey pancho have you ever thought of joining the military?
GP: “not really”
BO: ” Come on there are a lot of good benefits like free education”
GP: ” well….”
BO:”And there are a lot off jobs that might suit your crazy ass”
So I was sold I thought about enlisting into the Marine Corps, Borrego told me his recruiter was kind of lazy as fuck… he was right
I put a lot of calls out and never really got one back, except for one day an Air Force recruiter comes to my school.
He was AF Special Forces and some how he convinced me to visit the Air Force recruiting office.
Sat down they got me a lot of the paper work ready right away. They were really fast and efficient. They got me to the MEPS center in colorado to do my ASVAB test and Physical exam.
My eyesight sucked , but was told I could get Free Eye surgery after I join and wait less than a year to re apply and transfer jobs (hehehe damn was I naive.).
So I signed up to be a Jet Engine Mechanic but had almost two years of wait time before I got shipped off to training.
I had lots of free time now there was two options. I could either study or Travel. I had lots of money to buy a sweet car saved up since I was 14, but no buying a sweet ride seemed like a stupid Idea especially if I would deploy a lot.
And then I realized paying out of pocket for my education would be dumb since the government would pay for it. So travel it is , but where?
It was time to grab a globe spin it around and write down where my hand landed on it, I wish i had a more intricate or sophisticated method and I more often than not landed in the middle of an ocean ><
. Any way wrote them down on a list and started to do research on every single one.
In the End Korea and Japan Were the only ones left Standing.
Ah Mexico the land of Tequila, Funny polka music (that has some dark meanings once translated to English) soap operas where men cry more than women and spicy delicious food, and drug **COUGH** car **COUGH** te *COUGH* l ma * COUGH* fias.
Well as we know Mexico has more that its fair share of problems, and while all the stuff makes Mexico awesome, there are reasons why we need to get out of the country to get money or live a safer less bullet ridden life, but sometimes we jump back in because screw it tacos.
And I don’t know about you but damn it sometimes the possibility of being shot does not deter me from cheap delicious food and booze.
Any way after a 2 day car ride in a car full of close relatives I finally arrived back to my grandma’s home.
Well my Grandmother basically raised my mother and her 8 brothers and sisters on her own,basically making her a tough as nails take no shit old school beat you with an extension cord old lady for looking at her in the wrong way. She once beat a woman and half drowned her in a tub of laundry for bitch slapping my mom for no reason –not a person you want to fuck with.
And living with her was my Crazy man hating aunt. don’t get me wrong I love em both to death, but probably not the best living situation for a teen age boy who loves mischief and drinking.
I was enrolled in after noon school in the colegio de bachilleres Cobaez in Guadalupe Zacatecas Mexico. That was the only school that would accept me, after failing to arrive to take the school entrance exams.
Any way as most schools in Mexico i was required to wear a uniform and as would luck would have they require you wear a black wool sweater as a part of the of the complete package. The only problem was the school was in a desert city and we all know how awesome wool and the color black are in a hot bright day right?
><
Ah my first day of school rolls around, after a one hour walk to my bus stop I sit and wait for the School’s bus to arrive. Another 30 min ride and I am finally there.
It was sort of hectic looking for that place and I didn’t really know what the fuck i was doing but some how i go to the right class room.
The usual things that happen on a first day of school happen every one gives their names and an introduction.
My turn was up
GP: “Hello my name Is Pancho, I like to do sports and I like reading, special talents are that I can sense danger before it happens and i can throw webs out of my arms. Where was I studying berfore I came here in SHS in the town of Breckenridge Colorado.”
long pause….
then
CM1″wait so you came here from the gabacho*?”
GP: Yup I sure did
CM2: ” so you can speak English?”
GP: ah yeah, its kind of a requirement
CM2: ok (in really broken english) yeeeeah fook yoa motha,
did i do good?
CM1: ” wait so whats your crazy ass doing here dont people usually leave not the other way around”?
GP: “yup they sure do but, where i was at it was cold and boring so i thought why not try something different?
Well the day goes by and I keep having people asking me about the states etc
RG: “are the girls prettier here or over there?”
RB: ” do all Americans have awesome parties like in the movies”?
Well aside from all this positive feedback there are some negatives.
Introducing Mariquas a 20 year old Mexican that started his year of sophomore high school at the same time and class room as me. Ugly as sin and as big as a gorilla. Now MS is a trouble making mother fucker if i ever seen one. He was always involved in drugs and constant fights. He was kicked out of several schools before already.
He well rolled out the welcome mat for me.
MS: ” hey gringo come over here”
GP: ” yo what up?”
MS: ” so how shitty do you think this place is compared to your City?”
GP: ” all places have their ups and downs and i actually kind of like it out here”
MS: “yeah right, any get yo hamburger eating ass out of here gringo”
GP: “hey fuck you i am no gringo, you crooked tooth piece of shit”
MS: “look at this gringo all pissed, just because you got some balls don’t mean shit out here cause out here you are nothing”
I am pretty pissed off at this point, and 16 year old teenage boys are not really a fountain of wisdom and good patient well thought out plans.
GP: “Well fuck you fat ass toad looking retarded mother fucker! what kind of retard is still in their second year of high school of the age of 20? Shit you might as well quit the scenery would have looked much better with out you. Looking at you, your mom must have been a real stunner bet your dad doubled up on the brown paper bags for you!”
You ever wonder how some ones fist twice the size of yours feels across the face? Or how shiny new polished dress shoes smoothly kiss ones ribs? The answer is Ouch fucking A ouch, and as smoothly and romantically as a tranny sexually assaulting you at the tender age of 12. So yeah.
Most people would call that quits, you know i got my ass beat I talked shit to the wrong guy at the wrong time. I should learn my lesson and be done with it. But then i remember my Dad’s old saying ” if you ever get in a fight remember to win at all costs, remember your pride everyone in our side of the family has been a bad ass”
Fuck me and my families pride, that shit always be getting me in trouble.
Anyway I get up to my feet, and walk up behind him. I punch him in the back of the head, and yell ” who said this fight was over?”
In reality the fight was over when he cold cocked me in the head 3 mins ago.
The hit left me dazed and stunned. It felt like some one set off a fire cracker inside my head. So that punch i gave him wasn’t really any good or effective at all, unless pissing him off was my goal.
So he picks me up like a rag doll and throws me against the out side wall of the class room. stomps on my gut for good measure.
He was about to make my Face into ground taco meat with his fist.
My only thought is ” man i really fucked up and I hope i don’t have to see the dentist for this my grandma would beat my ass as well” .
All a sudden the other classes are released before he could go medieval on my face.
Got up a few secs later, and went to my remaining classes for the day.
Got home and told my aunt and grandma that i fell down some stairs and took a nasty spill. They believed me of course the city was full of stone steps every where and i was pretty fucking clumsy at the time.
I go to bed knowing i need to bounce back from this but how?
Every Story has a beginning, and an end. ( which wont happen until I am 160 yrs old surrounded by super models on a big bed or so I dream)
I always had a kind of itch for adventure. Ever since I could remember I saw movies and read books where one goes on a great journey to far and great lands. To all kinds of Crazy shit from frozen wastelands to tropical paradises. I also had a father who had a love of foreign places and languages who yearned to travel, but financially could not. He always talked about far away lands and beautiful cities and how he dreamed of seeing them. He also talked about jungles and oceans he wished to explore and experience, naturally This too filled my hunger to get out into the unknown.
I was born In Los Angeles CA to two illegal immigrant parents, ( give me all your hate of immigrants and trolling in the comments section that stuff is fun to read :P).
any way as such one grows up with out to much luxuries, but LA being an international city there was people from all parts of the world, and many languages buzzed by on a daily bases. I myself could not speak much English until the third grade in school. But one thing any one had was Movies lots and lots of video rental stores where my father loved to rent movies and watch them with his family. A lot of them were action flicks which my father loved and all the awesome car chases and fight scenes through the cities just made me marvel and wish i could do the same. ( hey some kids want to be super man some want to be jackie chan or jean claude van damme spin kicking dudes in the face.)
Any way it was always rowdy in my house with my brother and our friends.
Years go by and eventually we move out of LA to Summit County Colorado. A beautiful (cold), nice, (cold), Breath taking ( really fucking cold), Scenic ( i think my penis froze off) place. At first I was excited to be here! like holy shit! look it all this awesome snow and ice lets go sledding to Fuck this place hard just fuck it i hate being stuck on planet hoth kind of shit.
but the pay was good and crime and gangs are almost non existent.
First time in my life I saw a classroom (beside TV) full of white people and me being the Hershey kiss in an ocean of milk.
Well things go alright for several years but one does start to become bored and all work and no play starts to make jack a boring boy.
So my brown ass decides to go back to good old mexico for about a year around the time I was 16 yrs of age.
My parents were a bit uneasy about , the idea but in the end the gave me the green light. So off i was back to Mexico to study with a cute ( and naughty) school girlish glee.
wet back a derogatory term used for Mexicans living in the United States. A name created for one crossing a river to a foreign land.
So if one Crosses entire Oceans to other Foreign lands what does that make him..?
I have been to many random places and different countries on my own
all before I have even turned 21.
When my Travels and adventures do get brought up in conversation I usually have a long ordeal of explanations and story telling I have to do. And I have had quite a few people tell me I should try my hand at writing, so screw it whats the worst that could happen? And hell if Jeebus and the great Buddah loves me enough I can even get a bitching book deal or something.
(*mind wanders to rooms full of Alcohol and scantly clad women.)
And if no one does read this blog it will be something interesting to show my grand kids ( if i live that long) on how grandpa was more than just some crazy old ass Mexican that pinches the hot nurses ass all day long
So ladies and gents the grand Pancho welcomes you into his audience.
extremlywetback 