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Panchoz’s first military Xmas

On cold nights like this during the holidays and with a nice cold drink in hand I not so fondly remember My first Christmas in the military.

I was in tech school, In Sheppard AFB in the middle of butt fucking nowhere Texas.
Most people were leaving for Xmas exodus, where they could use some leave to go home for the holidays and see their families. I was a cheap bastard and wanted to save my leave, since graduation was only 4 weeks away. How bad could it be?

Well they got all the other guys that were not leaving the base for xmas on the first floor. I got to keep my room on the third floor since I was an original resident of the building so room mates or nothing pretty sweet except I was the only guy on that floor. Shit was eerily quiet most of that day and I really boring days when we didn’t have chores I would pretend I was in a zombie apocalypse and barricade my room or certain sections of the hall with furniture.

We had some chires during the day but they were cake as fuck and we only had to sign in in once a day usually we could get them all done in the span of an hour or two and be free all day.

Except for the shitty chore of taking all the nasty linens and depositing in the store closet for the cleaning vans to come. I could only imagine how much bodily fluid were in those things. so many lonely airmen on so many lonely nights. so us and the guys got a bunch of shovels and proceeded to move mount jizz stain with as much as our dignity could stay intact.

All of us left behind celebrated Xmas together. by opening the gifts we bought ourselves and drank shitty cheap vodka and Gatorade together while watching old dvds and some anime? i dont really remember that night to well, but i do remember the hardcore hangover from that vodka the next day.

New years was the same we went out to a shitty local club, I wore some of the nice clothes i bought myself and had an alright time smoked some cheap cigars with some friends and drank some cheap booze. We had to later bribe a bouncer to let our drunk friend go and return his id so we could get back to base and sleep.

got some ribs from the back of a truck pretty good, I guess texas is the only place you can buy Decent BBQ from the back of a truck.

so yeah that was my first military Xmas mostly boredom and cheap gatorade and vodkas.

happy holidays Everyone, remember the secret is 1/3 vodka 2/3 blue or light blue gatorade

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happy holidays america

Well its been about Five years since I have last celebrated, Xmas in America or thanksgiving, or any other Holiday for that matter.

Its funny to see that black Friday is still a thing and its still a thing people trample,beat,or kill each other over in either case fuck going to any store on that day, 25% off a fucking jacket is not worth being stuck in the closest thing resembling a human cesspool of greed and misery at 5am to whatever time the human hyenas are done with the carcasses of retail employees.

Eating a big ass turkey and drinking myself stupid with old friends was fun. Until we had too much tequila and started puking out said turkey onto the side walk or bathroom floor.

Stuffing is still a thing and it always will be though, cant figure out why it is a thing and if any one truly enjoys it. seriously did some one just shove random shit into the cavity of a large fowl and them thought it was a good idea to eat said contents? I would like to imagine some guy or woman many years ago is in a kitchen. looks at the gaping fucking hole in the turkey’s back side and said ” you what this fucking needs!? It needs my mother fucking fist up this motherfucker and I need to cram this bitch full of bread and herbs! Then when I am done fist fucking  the poultry we are going to consume the after math!”
Instead of calling the cops on said person or stopping them everyone though it was a good idea, and then became a tradition. At least that is how i think it happened, and i f i truly believe hard enough and repeat it enough times it might become true, or at least a flimsy urban legend that stupid people will believe on occasion.

Any way its almost Christmas time. Which means it is time to put on a Santa outfit and get wasted on egg nog. maybe blasting the Xmas classic of Christmas in Compton (voted best Christmas carol by the Times,New Yorker, Jet magazine, and the international association of gangsta ass Xmas music) and then yelling ho ho ho at all the skanky women, because isn’t that what Xmas is all about?

Any ladies and gentlemen I got a big ass turkey I have to fist fuck for Christmas and it is not going to fist fuck it’s self.

Happy Holidays

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Happy bday to me

Just turned 21 years old, I would have been stoked , but i am not i mean when you turn 21 in a foreign country ,andi hae  have legally been drinking in bars since you were 16 yrs old , the magic of turning 21 is kind of lost 😦 I mean back in the states anyone turns 21 the bar buys drinks and stuff for people, oh well such is life. any way important lessons I learned last night

– Beer plus tequila shots being dropped in them does not make it a bomb or something revolutionary it’s just a bad idea a really bad idea – moscow mules plus tequila shots poured in them for an extra kick another bad idea – free tequila in an open bar bad idea

– me and tequila another bad idea

woke up on the side of the road covered in cuts and bruises and some dried blood wondering what the hell happend. The problem is no one else at my party remembers every one was equally shit faced, but i was told my good friends stopped me from getting a tatto in the back alley of the bar (classy i know huh?) oh well i lived another year
so the score is

ME:21
Grim Reaper/ Mother nature (they hae to tag team me becuase they are to scared wimps): 3/4

So suck it mother nature you crazy bitch and suck on dat you crazy hood wearing farm carrying tool anorexic mother fucker
*ehem*

any way tha aaa aaats alll for now folks

You’re The Best Around!

Every one loves an underdog story,
Holly Wood is full of them. Even if it is about two dumb ass Mexican Teenagers trying to settle a pissing contest. You still root for the smaller (Handsomer?) one.
Now back to the story.

Round 3 was basically a draw, good punches were thrown by both sides, but neither one of was really standing.
It should have been time to call it quits, enough injuries and wasted time over a stupid spat. That should have been then end of it, but teenage boys are as dumb as fucking rocks. I decided that I had to beat him once, before I would stop this retarded rivalry.

I needed to  pull out the stops from this one and not pull any punches and pull my self up by the boot straps and get things done, i had the wool pulled oer my eyes, and something something with pull in it.

Back to training some more
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CQvNu8LoTo0

Gave my self 2 more weeks to prepare. Then the day came…

We bumped into each other outside in a small alley way between the school buildings. Our eyes met (no homo), a slight pause and small breeze pushed random discarded plastic bags infront of us it was  quiet for a moment.

The calm before the storm, the buffalo wings before the pizza, the shitty movie previews before the actual film.

A crow cawed it was time.
I sprinted forward, bad moe he punched me straight in the face, ouch! holy balls ouch! That stopped me for a brief second ith his fist still on my face, i picked up my rear leg and hit him square in the family jewels. I swore i heard the theme to the nut cracker for a moment.
He dropped to his knees (no homo) and i dropped an elbow to  the back of his head, then falcon punced me  in the gut pretty fucking hard. And then i receied another one to the dome. But luckily for me i grabbed his hair and started pounding his head on the wall of the alley way. We were both figthing dirty, all rules of a decent scuffle were thrown out the window. He clocked me again in the side of the head ( maybe all this brain trauma is what leads to all my bad descion making?), as i fell back i reared my leg and kicked him square in the face, he was no longer on  his knees but he was down on the floor.
I mustered all the energy and  coherency i had left to stand up i leaned on the wall MC was down. I did it I won, but as soon as the fight was over there really wasnt any prize or crowd of cheering people or prize just two retarded boys in an alley way one on the floor and one barely standing was all that was left. I had a small sense of acomplishment but all said and done it really was worth the trouble or injuries. The next day a battered and bruised MC comes up to me.

MC: you fight really good for a punk
GP: Thanks i guess
MC: We could use a guy like you in our clique
GP: eh fuck it why not it beats beating each other uhhh that sounded kind of gay so umm no homo
MC: that didnt sound gay until you said that
GP: welll ummm any way im in
MC: word

and that is how i became the best around and became friends with MC.
MC and i would later on get in some crazy advventures until his mysterious disapperance several years later but thats a nother story for another day, same bat time same bat channel

East Meets west part Dos

So Korea and Japan it is!
I had enough Cash but a little more never hurt any one ,besides I was not 18 yet so I had to wait any ways. So most of my days were spent working, working out, and learning languages. A pretty simple routine. I told my mom I was going to go Korea and Japan on my own very soon. She nodded it off, as if it was just one of my usual insane ramblings (who could blame her, My fathers side of the family is a bit eccentric including me and my father).
I also got to trying to make me some contacts for a bit or inter “cultural exchange” (booyah! high five any one? any one?…  * cricket sounds*)

So I make a few contacts and do some research and a few months pass by when suddenly my plane tickets arrive in the mail.
Mom: “son why is there a envelope for you from an airline company?”

GP: ” Aw sweet my plane tickets have arrived!”
Mom: “WAIT WHAT!?”

GP: ” Yeah I am going to Japan and Korea for a while to go explore and stuff.”

Mom: “WHY THE HELL DIDN’T YOU TELL ME!!!?!?”

GP: ” I did but you wrote me off as acting insane and retarded”

Mom: “WELL  WHO THE FUCK JUST CASUALLY MENTIONS WITH A SMIRK THAT THEY ARE GOING TO ASIA  ON A WHIM!?”

GP:” you already know i am pretty impulsive little rascal”
MOM: FILI COME DOWN HER AND TALK SOME SENSE TO YOUR SON!”

DAD: ” so you are going to asia? huh  well cool have fun and don’t die”

GP: “yup will do”

Mom: “HAVE BOTH YOU IDIOTS LOST YOUR FUCKING MINDS!?”

Dad: ” don’t worry honey Asia is a lot safer than Mexico, just make sure to stay away from china them chinese is fucking crazy! They will probably cut your hand off for pissing some one off”

GP: “uhh yeah I don’t think its really like that but, not really so sure since I have never been there. But i don’t think china has a hand cutting crisis on its hands or lack of hands or something”

Mom:” well he doesn’t  speak the language”

Dad: “neither did we when we came to america shit i still can’t”

Mom: ” well… ok but you have to write home every day and not drink or cause trouble”
GP: “Of course I promise” ( when hell freezes over)

Well the day Finally Came and no shit 5 mins before I left a call comes to the house my uncle Gustavo was in a serious Car wreck in Mexico, he was in serious condition.

The last I saw of my mother before i left was seeing her Crying.

I wanted to stay, but my father told me to go ahead i worked for it and they said he would be alright.
So off I went to DIA to begin another Journey.

To be continued

Lets Get ready to Rumble!

“When you fall off a horse, sometimes you got to get back up on it”

Fall seven times, stand up eight.
– Japanese Proverb

*Warning the following posts has excessive links to awesome stuff if you are faint of heart please consult with your doctor before reading this post you have been warned. EWB does not take any legal or moral responsibility of injury or death upon continuing .

YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!
On one of the previous posts of EWB our cosmic crusader, our valiant hero, our pinnacle of hope, our lovable alcoholic the Grand Panchoz was attacked and defeated by the evil and Dastardly Mariquas.
With his pride broken along with maybe some of his ribs, he decided that he needed a rematch.
He needed to go into the esposito zone

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iBktYJsJq-E

He was going to need a montage

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CQvNu8LoTo0

any way i took two weeks to recover and kept working out and training, as well as watching all of Bruce Lees films and getting super pumped at kicking some ass.

Finally the time as come….

annnnnnnnndddddddd i get my ass kicked again, well I didn’t go out like a punk this time I landed a few good hits, but i still got pounded on.  Now normal sane people would have given up at this point, I am not one of them.
Like I said i grew up watching all kinds of action flicks as a kid, and my dad being former Mexican Army Special forces i  kind of had a pride thing mixed in with utter stupidity.
So I ask my self  WWJCD?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZXh2XA-DZgQ

Of course Jean Claude would have punched him in the dick doing the splits, so thats what i set out to try to do again, minus the splits and groin part, but the punching part sounded sweet.

So of to training again, but this time I needed to kick it up a notch, this time I needed to go to the Danger Zone

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V8rZWw9HE7o

So i took Three weeks this time, Trained a bit harder punched some boards and sand bags to toughen and harden my fists. And i got even more super pissed off and super pumped by watching this clip like 50 million times

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yYLv-2RHJN4

I felt like I was ready so out I went for the PPV event of the day
The Malicious Mariquas Vs The Grand Panchoz III

Some people say the third time is the charm.
Then again some people need to shut the fuck up. I didn’t lose per say, was actually a draw. I threw some good punches as was doing quite well in the beginning. Was Countering most of what he threw at me got cocky ,and went for the photo finish knock out punch.
Bad Idea.
He saw it coming a mile away parried it, and countered it with a solid blow that broke my nose. And ever since then my nose has been crooked because i failed to set it back in properly.

Maybe I need to quit while I am still Ahead?
to be continued

West meets East Pt1

*Well when I first started writing I figured i would write everything out in a Chronological order, but I am too unorganized so I will get back  to Mexico In later posts, which will be called Lets get ready to Rumble.
coming soon to cheap blog near you.

I came back From Mexico  slightly wiser and older, or so i thought.
I was 17 now and had no Idea what I wanted to do with my life. Really had no direction, One of my good friends Borrego was Leaving for the military, Specifically The Marine Corps. It was summer Time and my friend did not ship out until the End of it. He invited me out to go work out with him and train a bit before he left. I had nothing better to do and said screw it why not. Borrego and I would train almost everyday, and get Drunk and play xbox at his house.  It went a little something like this

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h0qVUn4797g

When  finally the conversation goes like this.

BO: ” Hey pancho have you ever thought of joining the military?
GP: “not really”
BO: ” Come on there are a lot of  good benefits like free education”

GP: ” well….”
BO:”And there are  a lot off jobs that might suit your crazy ass”
So I was sold I thought about enlisting into the Marine Corps, Borrego told me his recruiter was kind of lazy as fuck… he was right
I put a lot of calls out and never really got one back, except for one day an Air Force recruiter comes to my school.
He was AF Special Forces and some how he convinced me to visit the Air Force recruiting office.
Sat down they got me a lot of the paper work ready right away. They were really fast and efficient. They got me to the MEPS center in colorado to do my ASVAB test and Physical exam.
My eyesight sucked , but was told I could get Free Eye surgery after I join and wait less than a year to re apply and transfer jobs (hehehe damn was I naive.).
So I signed up to be a Jet Engine Mechanic but had almost two years of wait time before I got shipped off to training.
I had lots of free time now there was two options. I could either study or Travel. I had lots of money to buy a sweet car saved up since I was 14, but no buying a sweet ride seemed like a stupid Idea especially if I would deploy a lot.
And then I realized paying out of pocket for my education would be dumb since the government would pay for it. So travel it is , but where?
It was time to grab a globe spin it around and write down where my hand landed on it, I wish i had a more intricate or sophisticated method and I more often than not landed in the middle of an ocean ><
. Any way wrote them down on a list and started to do research on every single one.

In the End Korea and Japan Were the only ones left Standing.